4 Ways to Keep Your Spouse First

One of the most difficult things about having kids from a prior marriage, is having to split custody time with the “other parents.” It’s tough on the kids (although my daughter tells me she would rather go back and forth than not have time with both parents) and it’s tough on all the parents involved. I miss the kids severely when they are not with me, and I know my wife feels the same way.

I don’t think there is ever any getting used to your kids not being with you all the time, but over time you learn to adapt to the new reality. A new reality that does afford you and your spouse a little more one-on-one time together. With all the stresses that come with a blended family, it becomes even more important that you and your spouse find time for each other and enjoy life together. I feel very blessed that my wife and I have made time during our first year of marriage to date and just get away for a couple of long weekends. We took advantage of a couple of business trips that happened to fall on non-kid weeks as well.

When my wife and I do have the kids, there is the additional challenge of balancing the time we spend with them without ignoring each other. While we were both single, we made our kids the center of attention. The kids became accustomed to it and so did we. Then we got married, and suddenly there were more people in the same home vying for attention. This is the part that makes keeping your spouse first so tough.

So how can you keep spouse first and make your marriage a priority? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for my wife and me:

• Keep dating. Just because you’ve tied the knot doesn’t mean you should stop dating your spouse. Heather and I have a set date night every other week when the kids are gone. Sometimes we even have more than one date those weeks (a luxury traditional families often don’t have until the kids are older). No matter how busy life gets or what our work schedules are like, we find time.
• Communicate. I mentioned the importance of this in a prior blog, but I can’t say it enough. My first marriage had horrible communication and I made sure that wouldn’t ever be the case again. Do Heather and I get on each other’s nerves sometimes and disagree about certain things? Absolutely, but we talk it out instead of letting it drag out.
• Never undermine. The kids no doubt try to pin us against each other. They are slowly learning that it doesn’t work. If Heather says something, I back it up and vice versa. We can disagree privately, but always spouse first in front of the kids.
• Pray together. The saying, “a couple that prays together stays together,” couldn’t be truer. There is something very intimate about praying together for each other and the kids. It draws you closer to God and one another. Try it, and watch your love grow stronger for one another.

Keeping your spouse first may seem simple, but when you’ve known your kids longer than your spouse, sometimes a lot longer, it isn’t always easy. A strong marriage is the foundation to raising your children in a loving home – a home that in our case, is a perfectly blended mess.

What additional suggestions do you have for keeping your spouse first?